Marcos

Octubre 2012

Conocí a Marcos durante la función de 'Masculinity' que se realizó el jueves pasado en el teatro Goes en Montevideo. El se atrevió a darme unas bofetadas en el ejercicio al final de la obra. En la charla que hubo después me contó que se conectó mucho con la obra porque ya desde hace un rato se iba planteando las mismas preguntas sobre su identidad masculina y estaba pensando en crear su próxima obra sobre este tema. Nos quedamos en volver a vernos para intercambiar ideas. Al final nos encontramos el lunes feriado (día del descubrimiento de America) frente a la Intendencia. El vino a buscarme con su auto. Tiene un auto nuevo importado de China. En Uruguay no arman autos y las marcas de Europa son muy caras, así que los autos chinos son una buena opción. Cuando me habló de su compañero psicólogo me observé pensando 'ay, que pena que tiene novio' y un segundo después 'menos mal que así me siento más a salvo y no habrá malentendidos'. Mas tarde me di cuenta que después de enterarme que Marcos tenía novio empezó a gustarme más. Pues sigo con el cliché que cuando una cosa no esté al alcance, atrae más. Claro que el hecho que el mostrara tanto interés en mi trabajo artístico me halagaba. Caminamos por la calle Acevedo hacia la Rambla. Yo le preguntaba sobre su obra 'Matilde' que dirigió hace un rato y fue como un homenaje a una mujer que el conocía de niño y que admiraba mucho. Matilde era una maníaca-depresiva, madre de dos hijos amigos de Marcos y el pasaba mucho tiempo en su casa.

Marzo 1013

Logramos combinar una segunda instancia íntima con Marcos el lunes, 4 de marzo - mi último día en Uruguay antes de empezar mi gira por Brasil. Habían pasado 4 meses desde la caminata íntima por la Rambla. Entretanto en facebook había visto algunas fotos de Marcos andando a caballo en Cabo Polonio. En las fotos parecía feliz y libre. Un hombre hecho. Como Marlboro Man en los carteles de publicidad. El Lone Cowboy. Pero acompañado. Creo que había otra foto con otro caballo y una chica montada. Cuando finalmente nos volvimos a ver (durante la intervención urbana en el marco de la formación de Danceability en la explanada del teatro Solís) yo le pedí disculpas por aún no haber escrito la devolución de la caminata íntima de octubre. Le puse excusas (de comienzos de Alzheimer y de falta de tiempo para sentarme a escribir). Y así nos quedamos en repetir la experiencia antes que yo me fuera del país. Fui para su casa. Es una casa increíble con un salón de danza, un estudio donde su compañero hace trabajos de terapia y un pequeño cuarto de 'hobbit' con una escalerita. Arriba un cuarto de dormir, una cocina bien equipada y un living espacioso. Además una azotea con unas plantas de marihuana en plena salud.

Como era mi ultimo día en Uruguay estaba un poco preocupado y ansioso por las cositas que todavía me tocaba arreglar. Pero la presencia de Marcos me tranquilizaba. Había algo muy disponible en su presencia, también algo melancólico. No se muy bien como describirlo. Esta calidad le daba mucho peso al momento. Es como si el tiempo se hiciera mas espeso e insistiera en colocar mis pensamientos en el aquí e ahora mientras que ya estaban medio divagando por Brasil. Marcos me ofreció un té de jazmín. Me habló de la casa y del proyecto de vida que compartía con su compañero Gastón. O mejor dicho  que había compartido porque se estaban separando. Estaba en una crisis existencial. Marcos y Gastón se conocieron en la facultad de psicología y se hicieron novios a los 18 años. Juntos se habían comprado esta casa con préstamos de familiares.  Esto hace dos años, a los 23 años! Quedé muy impresionado. Que compromiso y que madurez. La casa podría haber sido de una pareja de 40 o 50 años. Un hogar verdadero. Marcos me contó que incluso habían pensado en adoptar a un niño. El lo tenía bien claro que prefería vivir su vida acompañado y comprometido con alguien. Nunca había estado solo. Nunca había estado con otro hombre. Todo esto estaba tan completamente fuera de mi experiencia y realidad cotidiana que me costaba entender por completo la gravedad de la situación. Lo que entendí era que había sido un corte muy fuerte en su vida y que debía sentirse bastante desubicado. Se había ido a vivir unas semanas con su abuela afuera de la ciudad en La Floresta. Habló de ella con mucho cariño. La llamaba Bela. Me contó que Bela había trabajado como confitera toda su vida y que seguía cocinando el día entero. Marcos pensaba en irse a estudiar danza en Europa un par de años. Para tomarse una distancia y ganar otra perspectiva. Así que le hice algunas sugerencias y recomendaciones de escuelas que conocía. Marcos me contó que estaba desarrollando este proyecto sobre masculinidad con un amigo que recién había vuelto de un largo viaje, o sea de una vida nómade. Me dijo que se preguntaba como yo podría formar parte del proyecto de alguna manera. Ya que me tenía bastante presente como referencia. Nos quedamos en que podríamos conversar de vez en cuando por skype. En realidad me interesaba mucho lo que los dos iban a hacer. Pero al mismo tiempo me incomodaba un poco mi posición en relación al proyecto de Marcos. Talvez me asustan las posibles expectativas que Marcos y su compañero del proyecto podrían tener de mi. 

No se, de un lado me halaga el hecho que alguien podría buscar mi consejo o mi presencia en un proyecto artístico porque se siente atraído o inspirado por mi trabajo. Pero otra parte de mi rechaza este involucramiento y quiere liberarse de cualquier compromiso que eso podría significar. Raro, no? Creo que realmente tengo mucho miedo de comprometerme.

No obstante mi miedo al compromiso, me hizo pensar mucho este encuentro con Marcos. Me tocó su vulnerabilidad y su disponibilidad para compartir este momento difícil de su vida. Creo que tengo que hacer algo acerca de su invitación.

mate en la Rambla con Ruth

(o la salvación de las aguas vivas)
Nos quedamos en encontrarnos frente a la Embajada de los Estados Unidos. Ella llegó con algunos minutos de retraso. Yo ya  había empezado a bailar para calmar mis nervios y para sentirme más unido con el paisaje cuando la vi llegando con su mate. Ibamos a tomar mate en la rambla y mirar la puesta del sol. Yo había llegado corriendo por el barrio Palermo y me habían salido gotas de sudor en la frente y ya se empezaban a formar algunas manchitas en mi musculosa. No obstante le di un beso. La luz estaba divina como en una pintura de Rembrandt. Ella había regado las plantas en la casa de su madre que estaba de vacaciones en Brasil. Conozco esta casa. Está llena de objetos y recuerdos de muchos viajes. Le gusta lo folklórico a la madre de Ruth. Se había ido al carnaval en un lugar cerca de Recife. Yo le comenté a Ruth que me parecía lindo cuidar de los objetos, plantas o animales de otra persona de vez en cuando. Es una forma de responsabilidad y de respeto - talvez de amor - frente a las pertenencias del otro. Me contestó que a veces le molestaba porque se enfrentaba con los fantasmas de la casa.  Pensé en La Casa de los Espíritus de Isabel Allende. Admiro en Ruth su franqueza y su fidelidad a una verdad propia. Cruzamos la calle y llegamos a la Rambla. Miramos la pequeña isla de rocas y yo le comenté a Ruth que una vez había visto a Helvetia haciendo yoga en esta isla de rocas. Y al mismo tiempo conversaba con un amigo. Me había fascinado mucho esta forma de yoga de ocio y de placer. Me había quedado observando a Helvetia y a su amigo durante un buen rato. Entonces todavía no conocía a Helvetia. La conocí unas semanas más tarde en la función del solo al mediodía de Cata.

Ruth y yo decidimos ir a tomar mate en esta pequeña isla. 'Porque no cambiar los hábitos' dijo Ruth. Normalmente toma su mate en los bancos de piedra que hay por toda la rambla. Llegando a la isla pasamos por un camino donde el agua del mar había llegado y formado pequeños charcos. En un charco en la esquina contra el muro de la rambla había una agua viva. Estaba ahí flotando en el pequeño charco y parecía respirar con todas sus fuerzas. Yo comenté que nunca había visto una agua viva viva y dos gurisas que estaban pasando por allí se rieron. Nos paramos un rato observando y admirando a la agua viva. Ruth decidió salvarla y devolverla al mar. Tenía una bolsa de plástico y así nos pusimos a salvar la agua viva. Se asustó un poco contrayendo sus tentáculos. Una de las gurisas nos ayudó con su chancleta para sumergir la bolsa en el agua. Al final conseguimos atrapar la agua viva adentro de la bolsa y la dejamos deslizarse a las aguas ondulantes del río de la Plata. Se puso feliz. Ahí nos dimos cuenta que había toda una manada de aguas vivas flotando en el agua alrededor de la isla. Una colonia de aguas vivas. De tamaños y colores diferentes. Había una de tamaño gigante impresionante. Las pequeñitas parecían meramente espuma o baba de algún animal. Las grandes habían desarrollado todo su esplendor y flotaban con mucha importancia.

Nos fuimos a sentar en la isla en una roca al borde del agua. Ruth tomó el primer mate. Le había puesto miel y comentó que había quedado medio raro y el agua no estaba muy caliente. Los uruguayos son muy meticulosos con su mate. Ruth me preguntó si quería tomar igualmente. Quise. Me gustó. Disfruté mucho estar ahí con Ruth sentados en la pequeña isla de yoga de Helvetia mirando la puesta del sol y tomando mate. Ruth comentó que se me ponían dorados los párpados en el crepúsculo. Ruth tiene el ojo para estos detalles. El día anterior habíamos bailado contact en Casarrodante con Ruth, Pauline e Arauco. Bailamos a la hora del atardecer en la penumbra hasta quedarnos en la oscuridad. Recordamos ahora en la isla como la piel había empezado a brillar y la hoja blanca del cuaderno donde habíamos anotado algunas observaciones al final del laboratorio. Fue como bucear, como tirarse al océano negro y apaciguador de la noche. Hace algunos días empecé a leer la novela 'Ensayo sobre la ceguera' de José Saramago. 

intimate walk with Karin

Karin actually wanted to interview me and then mentioned it would be nice to combine it with a walk the day of the opening. She works in Visby, Gotland for an agency that used to promote traveling exhibitions throughout Sweden and is currently working to promote development and collaboration in the exhibition area. We met at Mangkulturellt centrum at 2pm. I was about 10 minutes late and Karin had to call me on my phone while I was walking over to the center from my flat. This time I apologized professionally. We left our bags in the locker downstairs. Since I couldn't find a 5 crown coin, we decided to share the same locker. We walked towards the lake across the field with the many ducks and geese. It was sunny with a nice wind. I forgot what we talked about in that first section of the walk. I probably told her a little bit about the walks and how therapeutic they had been for me. Karin let me know that she was married and had a small daughter. Having a child had brought a big change into her life. She had had a good, well-paid job for many years and told me how her life had been quite predictable and sort of dull before her daughter came into her life. She explained it a bit like this: Before the baby everything was up to her. She could choose what to do and what not to do. When the baby came into her life everything was unexpected and new. And it wasn't up to her anymore. For some reason we got to talking about facebook and I said I wasn't on facebook anymore and she asked me why. I replied that it had gotten too invading for me and that it had taken up too much of my time. She asked me if I was referring to my own facebook behavior or to the behavior of my facebook friends. I said both. I also said that I preferred to nurture more sustainable and intimate real-time friendships than to stay connected with countless virtual friends on a more superficial level. I had to think of this interview with Sherry Turkle I had read in a recent issue of Das Magazin, a Swiss lifestyle journal. Sherry Turkle studies how technology is shaping our modern relationships: with others, with ourselves, with it. Here's a TED talk she gave in March 2012: http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html
Karin told me how she used to go horseback riding as a child. I told her I had the same hobby when I was a teenager. She asked me if I missed it. And I had to think for a while to give her an honest answer. I said that I had liked the time spent with my friend and with the horses in nature. But that I never felt quite comfortable with the idea of having to be the master of the horse. I had never enjoyed dominating the horse. I felt too weak and lenient to establish a clear relationship with the horse. To be completely honest, I had always been a bit afraid of the horse. Karin commented that she had known many people who got a kick out of this feeling of dominating the horse and that many of these people weren't doing so good with their human relationships. Karin also told me that in Sweden it's a big no, no to talk to strangers at the bus stop. Especially people of the same age will never talk to each other. I wondered why that is and she replied that it's a class or status thing. She went on to say that in the US strangers are much more likely to get into conversation with each other. For her interview she asked me why the 'intimate walks' needed to be outdoors . . . or if it would also be possible to do them inside of a museum for example. Again I had to think for a while: I think nature is more conducive (at least for me) of an intimate connection with oneself and one's surroundings. Even within a city I feel my thoughts can flow more naturally outdoors than indoors. The open space makes it easier to find a balance between following one's curiosity and engaging with the other. Inside a room I could easily feel trapped and setting up an intimate walk or encounter might feel more forced. The whole set-up of the 'intimate walk' is already artificial and ambiguous in itself. I would say it lies in a grey zone between a real desire for an intimate connection and a performative aspect which makes both parties more aware and possibly self-conscious of what is happening. Doing this inside of a museum might bring out the artificiality even more, so much so that it would be out of balance.

intimate walk with Erik

Erik asked me for an intimate walk the day after the intimate walks had officially ended. I wasn't sure if he really wanted one or if Kristina had asked him to go for one.  She had mentioned to me that she thought it would be good for Erik to participate in an intimate walk because he will be in charge of making the exhibition accessible to all kinds of audiences. Erik is a busy man. He only had one hour from 11 to 12 on Wednesday morning. We walked towards the lake and over the hill at a brisk pace. That was Erik's proposition. We talked about his fashion design education. I fell into my habit of asking a lot of questions. I was curious about Erik because he is such a curious character. In the brief interactions we'd had in the time leading up to the opening of the exhibition I had sized him up as a dynamic, friendly, sensitive and approachable lad. More the intellectual type, but with a creative and flexible vibe. I also find him rather cute. He told me that he had got the job at the Mangkulturellt centrum by replacing somebody who was on maternity leave. And then his contract got prolonged for another year. This meant he suddenly found himself with a nice job, a nice, steady income and a nice flat. This was new and unfamiliar for Erik. He admitted to being rather restless by nature. Before he had worked as a freelancer giving workshops in designing and recycling old stuff. He had also toured with a band. He had liked the freelancing lifestyle, its uncertainties and vicissitudes. We walked through the 'Allee' which in English (according to the online dictionary) would be an alameda or tree-lined road, but to me it's a bit like an enchanted tunnel or canopy-roofed threshold where I feel connected to the Swedish royal past. The couple of times I'd walked past there, I always had this sense of meaningfulness. I took a mental picture of this particular moment in history: Erik and I walking through the 'Allee' talking about a more settled lifestyle in comparison to freelancing. Freelancing isn't settled at all (at least in mine and Erik's experience). He said that having this new, steady job made him feel a bit sleepy and too comfortable sometimes. And that scares him a bit. For him having this contract for another year feels like being employed for eternity. He misses the thrill of not knowing what's going to happen the next week, or even the next days sometimes. He has more income and can afford to eat when he's hungry and visit places he feels like visiting without first having to think about his budget. That's a new kind of freedom, but apparently he also noticed a kind of laziness and complacency that comes along with it. I asked him what he does in his free time. He used to go running, but now he has some problems with his legs. So he goes walking mainly. And he reads a lot. When he has money he buys books and he reads them at home. Mainly philosophy books. He just bought one by Peter Sloterdijk.
Is this the portrait I wanted to draw of Erik? I'm trying to remember what more our 'intimate walk' made me feel and think. Did he maybe serve as a mirror for my own lifestyle as a freelance artist and my wish to settle down a bit more? I was quite absorbed by his way of thinking and formulating thoughts and almost forgot to think and formulate my own.  I liked the way I couldn't grasp some things he wanted to convey and had to ask again making him say it in other words. I didn't get impatient. I just realized how his mind works differently from mine. He also helped me a lot in preparing my booklet for the exhibition. He let me use his computer to print and was always very helpful and polite while helping Tatiana and Kristina and more people simultaneously. At the opening he was there to watch my performance and I was very happy about that and felt supported by his presence. The next day he gave me a folder published by his fashion school in which he had conducted an interview with Nicolas Järvklo, a PHD-student and researcher on the Swedish masculinity-politics. The interview was related to Erik's collection of men's knitwear which dealt with heterosexual transgression. 

intimate afternoon with Anna and Matti

This experience was going to be somewhat different and maybe 'out of concept', but then again my concept for this is flexible and based on intuition and desire.
It had been 5 years probably since I had seen Anna for the last time. We used to study choreography together in Amsterdam. She didn't finish the program and moved back to Stockholm where she is from.
So naturally I wanted to use this opportunity to have a reunion with her and I thought it would be nice to do this in the frame of an intimate walk.
We had agreed by email to first meet up for brunch on Saturday together with her boyfriend Matti and possibly some more of her friends. And then later on go for a walk. She came to pick me up at the tram station skipping to meet me with a white shawl and a huge smile full of glee. This was Anna as I remembered her! She had always had this capability to go very wild with happiness and to burst out in carefree and childlike behavior without needing to warm up or feeling self-conscious about it. I had always loved that about her. We gave each other a squeezed hug and laughed with joy. I commented on the nice, green neighborhood and asked her how long she'd lived here. Immediately her expression changed. She explained me that it's actually her father's rental flat and that there are some issues with the landlord and that they don't know how long they can stay. I felt slightly bad for asking the wrong question and was impressed by how quickly her mood had changed. And then I remembered also that quality of hers - to change at a moment's notice from one mood to another. And I remembered that she could also be very serious and heavy at times. Later on during brunch she said something about these different sides of her personality and mentioned how for Matti it hadn't always been easy to deal with them. Matti made a very pleasant, balanced and patient first impression on me. He is into these special shoes with a special pouch for each toe and let me try them. He goes walking a lot in the forest with these shoes and says they make him feel much more grounded and connected with the earth.
While Anna and I were preparing brunch in the kitchen, Matti was mending a sweatshirt in the living room. I had brought fruit and greens for a green smoothie and a fruit salad. Anna felt like baking a plum pie and made fried patties with fresh zucchini and potatoes from the garden where she works as a gardener. She made a dough for the cake and was super efficient in preparing and whisking everything up in a flurry. The food was truly delicious and very healthy. We talked about a lot of things: Anna's job at the garden, her dance project with a Swedish choreographer who had also been a teacher at the SNDO (where we both studied) many years ago. We talked about the Swedish right wing government (I wasn't aware of this), about how much taxes they pay. If I remember correctly around 60%. Incredible! Matti said he doesn't mind paying so much taxes if the tax money is used in a good way which he thought had been the case but with this new right wing government things might change. This statement impressed me. We talked about Anna's and Matti's trip to Senegal where Anna was involved in a dance project at l'Ecole de sable. We talked about Anna's applied kinesiology treatments. She studied kinesiology after coming back to Sweden and started treating patients, but now she doesn't have the time for it because of her work in the garden. We dreamed about having a space which could be a health food cafe / practice for body work / dance studio / artist residency all at the same time. After some questioning I found out that Matti is on a spiritual path. He committed himself to a spiritual self-study program with a book called 'a course in miracles'. He also works as a caretaker of a man who is paralyzed. We talked about rainbow gatherings and permaculture. Lots of interesting stuff. . . I felt awake and inspired.
After the pie Matti said that he would go out for a walk and asked us if we were interested in joining. This took Anna a bit by surprise and me also, because the plan was to go for an 'intimate walk' with Anna. But since my concept is not very well-defined and in constant evolution, I thought why not go for an intimate walk with a couple. Since it was grey and not so warm outside Matti lent me a woolen vest from India. As we left the house I confessed to them that I actually have experience hanging out with couples and don't mind so much being the third wheel (or fifth wheel) which I think for some people can be rather uncomfortable. I also said that one couple I had hung out a lot with ended up breaking up. Which was true. But after I said it I felt a bit stupid for saying that. We were in good spirits I felt. Or at least I was. I felt very talkative and light. I was laughing a lot and making jokes which I don't do so often. Matti was the most quiet of us all. There were times when I thought maybe I'm too loud and speaking too much. But I didn't want to get overly self-conscious and worry about the dynamics in this triangle walk too much. I realized that my main desire and wish was to reconnect with Anna which felt natural and not difficult at all. Anna said that she was concerned about giving enough attention to the two of us. I said she shouldn't stress, that we're both doing just fine. On an open field we spotted a dog and  its owner. Anna started petting the dog, then I petted the dog. And Matti also petted him. And then the dog put his muzzle in Mattis crotch and was hiding from the world there for a while. Out of the blue I asked them if they were thinking of having children. I think this question startled them somewhat. After a long silence they said they hadn't taken the time to talk about it. Again I felt I had probably asked the wrong question and decided to stop sticking my nose into their couple intimacy.
Matti discovered a nearby forest on some ap on his iphone. We decided to check it out and walked past some typical colorful Swedish cottage style houses. The forest was leading up to a small hill. We walked up a trail which was wet and had a little brook running down it. On the way up that trail we found some berries and Anna told us an anecdote from her childhood when her sister had made her eat poisonous berries and her aunt had made her throw them up. She always used to eat everything she could find as a child - all kinds of berries and plants - this is a way of getting intimate with one's environment too. This made me think of a practice I had learned in India: vamana dauti. It's a gastric cleanse. One drinks 1 or 2 liters of salt water first thing in the morning, swooshes it around in one's stomach and then sticks one's finger down one's throat and regurgitates the water mixed with possibly some leftover putrified food of the stomach. I had found the practice very difficult and invasive. But one morning when I managed to throw up almost all of the water I felt very clear and light.
Matti walked a bit ahead of us and said he was looking for a vantage point. Anna and I were jokingly saying that it would be good to find an advantage point where the real intimacy could start. We had a nice way of laughing about the intimacy project together. Laughing is a great valve and medicine.  And it creates immediate connection if both parties are truly engaged in it.
It was a actually a very beautiful forest with smooth rocks overgrown with moss. On some of the bare rocks up at our self-appointed vantage point I proposed to do the being present in silence exercise. Since it was a bit wet, we didn't sit down but squatted instead. Squatting in silence for ten minutes isn't super comfortable for most Westerners and some small adjustments and repositioning became part of the ritual. I felt like we were posing for a Swedish fashion magazine's autumn collection. Certain squatting positions looked really awkward and I think it was more these funny positions that made us crack up and less the feeling shy about looking at each other in silence. After a while Anna picked up a tiny little baby slug on her index finger. She stood up with the slug and we all did the same and zoomed in on him. It made a little tiny movement as though it was massaging Anna's finger tip. Anna said she could feel him move and was wondering if the slug could feel her movement. Anna then passed the slug on to my index finger and we kept observing it like scientists. I passed the slug on to Matti. This ritual felt like a sequel to the dog petting earlier on the field. On Matti's finger the slug hesitantly let out his antenna to feel if it was safe to continue his journey. After the slug ritual we walked over to the real vantage point and could see a giant ice-hockey stadium in the shape of a globe not too far away. It was already getting a bit dark and we decided to walk back and go grab something to eat. Anna tends to get cranky if she gets hungry because of her low blood sugar. As we walked back through some fields with trees the sun came out just as it was going down. This colored the leaves of the tree golden and it was like a small miracle. I was awed. We walked through a big garden where city people can rent patches of soil to plant flowers, herbs and vegetables. This garden too seemed enchanted in these last rays of evening sunlight. In the end we decided to go and cook something at Anna's flat. I did the afternoon's dishes while Matti made some quinoa and Anna cooked cabbage and soy beans and baked some baby eggplant with olive oil and sesame seeds in the oven. While the things were cooking and baking, Anna and Matti had a rest on the bed and I lay down on the floor and massaged my sacrum.
The food was once more scrumptious. We got to talking about teaching and Matti voiced his opinion that one shouldn't start teaching others before one isn't ready to really hold a class and deal competently with whatever comes up in a student. Since I had started teaching yoga after completing a one-month 200hour teacher training, I felt compelled to say something and expressed my opinion that one shouldn't have too high expectations of a teacher and that I often found myself learning more from somebody who is down to earth and human and not afraid to expose their own shortcomings as opposed to the perfect guru. This slight difference in opinion led to a lengthy discussion and became quickly very personal between Anna and Matti . . . to the point where I couldn't follow anymore and felt that there were some unresolved issues of their relationship dynamic coming to the surface and taking over the course of the conversation. Before I knew it it had turned into a quite personal and edgy dialogue between the two of them which actually made me feel rather uncomfortable. I wanted to sneak out and do the dishes but didn't really find the right moment for it, but on the other hand I also felt there was something at stake from which I might learn an important lesson. I felt I should try to mediate this argument and not let it escalate too much and at the same time I thought it was actually something they had to resolve amongst them. There were moments when I felt both Anna and Matti were close to tears and I was suffering with them but couldn't find the right words or action to ease the situation. When there finally was a moment for clearing the table and moving to the kitchen, I was relieved to be leaving. Yet a guilty feeling of having cowardly backed out on a commitment lingered with me on the journey back home. I hadn't been able to competently deal with whatever comes up in a situation that had gotten far too intimate for me.

intimate walk with Camilla

I met Camilla at the Mangkulturellt centrum where we were going to have lunch first. I was about 7 minutes late for the meeting. I thought she would already go down to the cafe and start eating or at least have a drink. But she waited for me at the entrance in the parking lot with her smartphone. She looked very professional. From the email communication we'd had I knew that she was a curator. I didn't apologize for being late . . . I'm starting to think that Swedish people are very punctual people though, probably even more so than the Swiss. I was still in a happy mood from the free-flowing but short intimate walk I had had in the morning with Katrin. And something inside of me was decidedly warding off a tendency towards a certain power dynamic that often goes with curator-artist relationships. I had no interest in trying to impress this woman by eloquently talking to her about my work or seducing her into a very diligently crafted intimate walk experience.  It was a buffet-style lunch with exclusively vegetarian mezze dishes and lots of raw salads. I think we both were quite pleased with the choice to have lunch here. We decided to eat outside at a small round bistro-style table. We were the only two sitting outside despite the warm, sunny weather. While eating Camilla started asking me questions about my work and how I had ended up in this residency. She seemed genuinely curious and I felt I managed to give plausible answers. I noticed that I was avoiding eye contact though. I had spotted a  'hard face curator'-look a few times when my articulation had been especially slow and maybe a bit clumsy. So to counteract a feeling of not living up to the professional standard of this meeting, I preferred to gaze out into the lush greenery of the trees and meadow while talking about my work.  She went back inside to get some more water and then it was my turn to ask her about her work. I got the feeling that she didn't want me to reveal her exact position in the art scene in this text so I won't go into that. But she talked very eloquently and enthusiastically about her job.
Talking about intimacy she had to think of an experience she had this summer. She recently bought a sailboat and went out sailing with a sailing teacher and her two kids. Spending 3 days together in the very limited space of that sailboat was to her the essence of intimacy because you cannot escape and you share everything. I imagine sailing teachers must be quite skilled in negotiating intimate space.
After a coffee and tea we crossed a meadow with ducks and geese and started out on our walk towards the lake. Only then did I realize that Camilla was wearing plateaux shoes which were not the best gear for that sort of swampy terrain. She was eager to get on the dry path but was actually managing fine. A bit later  during the walk, when we had already reached a higher level of ease with each other, she commented that she hadn't thought we were going to walk on these nature trails. After a short pause she admitted with a self-amused smile that she had dressed for the paved streets of Fittja and with the intention to look smart. The walk was actually really enjoyable and I could sense that Camilla was impressed by the beauty of our surroundings as much as I was. She repeated several times that most Stockholmers didn't even know that this existed out here and connected Fittja only with problems as unemployment, crime etc. As time passed and as we continued walking at a leisurely pace I became less busy with the fact that I was on a walk with a curator and felt more and more like I was walking with a friend. Maybe people would have easier access to intimacy if they were less prejudiced.
Camilla apparently had received a message from Johana back at the konsthall and was checking the public transport timetable on her iphone to see when she could catch a bus to the konsthall. She was actually starting a two-week internship at the Botkyrka konsthall this very day because she wanted to see with her own eyes how another art institution functions from the inside. I find this very cool. I mean the fact that despite her experience and her high-rank position, she goes back to being an intern to broaden her horizon and to learn something new in a different context.
We decided to slowly head back so she would make it back on time to drop by at the konsthall and greet Johana. But before I proposed to do an exercise. I thought Camilla (being a  curator (-;) might enjoy an extra element in this walk apart from nature and our natural flow of dialogue. I let her choose between 3 tasks: 1) being present in silence together 2) laughing meditation 3) singing together
She found being present in silence together most intriguing I think, but wanted to try laughing meditation because she had never done it. So we did first 5 minutes of laughing and then 5 minutes of sitting in silence. Because the exercises required lying and sitting down and the grass was too wet, we tried to find the wooden pier we had spotted before but couldn't locate it anymore. While slowly walking back on the lookout for an appropriate platform for our exercises, Camilla suddenly asked me a very confronting question: 'So what's your impression of me so far?' I asked her if she often asks these kinds of questions to strangers. She said no never. That she finds it a very intimate question and a kind of stupid one in fact, but that she thought she'd take the chance to ask it anyway since we're both together in the safe frame of this art project. I found it difficult. I tried to be as honest as possible. Above all I didn't want to come across as polite and evasive. So I told her about my prejudices of curators and about the power gap and said that I had definitely sized her up as a city girl. And that I could mainly talk of my own perception and within that was quite amazed how comfortable I had come to feel with her in the course of the walk. I wasn't very straightforward. That's not my strength. But looking back I can say that my first impression of Camilla had been that of a tough and intellectual curator , but in the course of the walk I found her very human and beautiful and at some point even vulnerable which touched me. Of course I couldn't keep myself from asking her for her impression of me. She said that she perceived me as a happy person. But that I can also be quite serious. And that I was a very kind person. Laughing together felt very good and therapeutic. Then we did the sitting in silence and being present. The exercise is not primarily about locking in on each others' gaze, but it's ok to see each other and allow oneself to be seen. I think I said something along those lines as an introduction. It became quite obvious that this exercise was challenging for Camilla. She kept cracking up when looking at me and said that she first had to look in the other direction to concentrate. It did feel very intimate and confronting and the few times we really did look at each other we smiled with encouragement and gratitude I felt. Afterwards we talked and she said something very beautiful. She said that when I smile my eyes light up and I shine. That I am jewel. 'We all are in our own way.' She said it in her own way and it was so unexpected (especially coming out of the mouth of a curator) that it managed to touch me very deeply. I almost wanted to cry. I experienced this as a moment of true intimacy, so much so that it scared me a bit.

intimate walk with Katrin

She had gotten up at 6am to do her laundry and while it was washing had watched a new crime show with a sexy Swedish actress. Sexy in a cute, normal kind of way she said. We met at 8:40am at Liliholmen metro station on a sunny Monday morning. Today Katrin started a master studies program called 'art in the public realm'. So at ten she had to be at school. This was going to be a shorty. She said she had a plan and we walked over to some factory buildings turned into artists' ateliers. In one of the formal factory buildings there was a posh lunch cafe. In front of that cafe Katrin spotted a guy with a coffee and a cigarette who looked like he had a hangover. They knew each other and greeted each other with a hug and kiss and exchanged some sentences in Swedish. The guy also shook my hand but kept looking at Katrin. I could sense some distant or recent intimacy in their short interaction. When we both explained that we were doing the 'intimate walk project' the guy gave us a suspicious and slightly amused look. Later Katrin told me that during her first year of her bachelor she had been drunk a lot and this guy had always given her free alcohol cause he worked at this bar and they had had a thing together. She hates the word intimacy. Because it is always immediately connoted with sex. And she doesn't like sex. I didn't ask her why. She read some academic book with a title something like 'the purchase of intimacy'. Intimacy as an agreement between two people who share knowledge on equal terms. I didn't understand how exactly this theory is related to the title of the book. So intimacy is a deal. You tell me your secrets, I'll tell you mine. Give and take. I said for me it's also about being more intimate with myself, being in touch with myself. While talking we found ourselves walking along the shore of a small lake surrounded by trees. There's always some lake or water body or some little forest popping up in Stockholm before long. There was a clearing and a table right next to the water which invited us to sit down. We started talking about religion and spirituality. Katrin was brought up as a Christian. She is originally from Norway and she still believes, but doesn't touch the bible anymore. She left her husband in Norway (they had already bought a house together) and came to Stockholm three years ago to study art. She said she had been depressed before and then when she started studying art she was doing better but the relationship didn't function anymore. So she quit the relationship and committed herself to art completely. We talked about commitment later on. Katrin felt there wasn't any real commitment in this encounter between the two of us. I see her point. It's just a short moment of focussing on each other in the frame of a project on intimacy. It might provide a window for momentary trust, for performing and sharing tiny bits of intimate information. Katrin said of herself that she had a rather distracted mind and that when she goes to church (which she still does every now and then) she feels her thoughts much more focused. She knows why she is there and feels there is a clearer sense of connection with herself. Recently she went a few times to the Royal Opera to see Wagner and felt a similar kind of focus and protected space like at church. As a child she used to pray all the time. In school she perceived studying as a form of praying, except mathematics. That was the only subject incompatible with praying. Katrin says of herself that she talks a lot without thinking too much about what she says. To me this makes her a very open and spontaneous, although slightly distracted and chaotic companion. But I was very much intrigued by her personality and by how organically the walk&talk developed and flowed. We also talked about keeping in touch with people and about facebook. She spent two years in high school on Vancouver island in Canada and uses facebook to keep in touch with some of her friends there. This year would have been a 10-year reunion, but the flights were too expensive. Which made me think of my host family in Idaho where I spent an exchange year in high school when I was 17. I didn't keep in touch, although I felt very close to them then. I feel they would like to hear some specific kind of news . . . that I got married and that I lead a good Christian life. And since I cannot give them this news I decided maybe it's easier not to stay in touch. . . Katrin has a similar situation with a family in Tanzania with whom she lived some years ago. They even named one of their kids after Katrin. She knows what kind of things they would like to hear in a letter . . .  and since she feels she cannot meet their expectations she keeps putting off writing that letter.